Fu*cking gene.

A few years ago my family went through some big changes.
My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was massive for me and at 15 I felt it really hard to deal with. She was dating someone I didn't get along with and I felt like I had no place in the house anymore.
I ended up moving out and in with my Dad.
This I now understand was really difficult for Mum but our relationship lasted and is still fantastic.
A few weeks after Mum was diagnosed she underwent a double mastectomy which is to have both breasts removed. I went up and waiting for her while she was in surgery and seen her after she came out.
She was still a little out of it and all she wanted was to see me and 13 pillows. She looked adorable and was still a little dopey. It was later in the night by this point so I got her pillows, brushed her hair (at her request) and then we had to go home.
Over the next week or so I traveled up and back to visit her until she was ready to come home.
We are almost 4 years on now and she is doing great.
Still waiting on reconstructive surgery which can be very hard on her but we are hoping in the next few months she will finally get what she is hoping for!!

A couple of years later I was tested for the breast cancer gene and found out that I was a positive carrier.
I had already assumed this was a possibility and accepted it but it was still very difficult to hear.
From the get go I was positive I knew what I was going to do, I wanted to have preventative surgery and have both of my breasts removed ASAP.
I found it a little hard to get a surgeon to agree so gave the hunting a rest.
A few places I called refused to talk to my because of my age.
Which I am now thankful for.

Last night I was looking around online at peoples reconstruction and how there breasts looked after surgery, this really upset me.
I ended up having to put the laptop away and go to bed.
I couldn't stop thinking about it when I got to bed and it made me feel really sick.
I honestly don't know what I want to do now.
It's not just this I am worried about though.
It's the things I didn't think about until I was in a serious relationship.
What about one day when I want to have children? What if I pass this gene onto them?
How could I live with myself if one day my children had to go through all the things I am now going through.
I don't know if I could. There is a 50% chance I could pass the gene on. That's massive.

I haven't told anyone any of this yet. I guess I'm not ready too.
It makes me angry, sad, frustrated and devastated all at once.

e.